What do we do if the coachee we are working with seems to occupy another universe? That they see the world in a different way than we do? In many cases it’s not a problem, but what happens if things get too tough? Does there come a time when we think we can’t work with a coachee, because of our differences? Let’s explore these questions.
Universal values and coaching
There are some values that clearly, we all have to adopt, and are non-negotiable. We are lucky in the UK that we have the Equality Act 2010, which has the helpful term of protected characteristics. Age, disability, gender reassignment, marriage and civil partnership, pregnancy and maternity, race, religion or belief, sex, and sexual orientation. So, if our coachee makes a comment or discriminates against any of these areas, we are fully entitled to challenge what they say.
It doesn’t mean we have to turn into the language police. Within the coaching conversation there is room for the occasional throwaway comment that may be expressing a frustration rather than a confusion. A coachee saying that one of their team members is struggling with their role because of their age doesn’t automatically mean they have broken the law. But sacking someone when they are pregnant does!
Personalised characteristics and values
Imagine this coaching conversation:
“I’m struggling with this project?”
“What’s the obstacle?
“I’ve been asked to do it on my own. And I work better with a team.”
“How can you learn to do it on your own?”
“You sound just like my boss, I don’t want to do it on my own”
That is values clash in action. The coach, and probably the boss, is valuing autonomy and independence. The coachee is valuing collaboration, or shared responsibility. Neither is wrong. But it is worth the coach understanding the perspective of the other person, rather than assuming that they are wrong.
And there are probably other dualities where we have one perspective and our coachee another. Can you think of any?
Ones that occur to me are:
- Hard work versus work-life balance
- Speed for completing versus depth and attention to detail
- Valuing relationships versus valuing tasks
You can see from the list that in each pair neither one is morally “better” than the other, they are just different. And as coaches we need to be able to make sure we aren’t simply trying to get our coachee to see the world through our eyes, rather than theirs.
People versus profit
One set of values does deserve special attention. What do we do when our coachees overvalue (my bias) profit, and undervalue (again my bias) people? This is an important area, and one that conjures up great debate.
We can imagine the scenario whereby the coachee is plotting some Machiavellian activity, and the coach takes the moral high ground and challenges hard. This could happen, but it’s slightly caricaturing the situation. A few years ago, I was at an International Coach Federation conference and this subject was being hotly debated by a room full of coaches. Opinion was divided, some coaches insisted that it was their duty to challenge, and another group insisted that challenging would be then imposing the coach’s agenda.
One simple approach is to avoid coaching in sectors that are known for toxic relationships with employees and profit at all costs. It is true that there is more money in coaching in banking, insurance and the city. But it’s also true that these behaviours are likely to be present, and quite toxic. If you’re weighing up which sectors to build your coaching business around, it’s worth reading about the risks of coaching in organisations before you commit to a client base.
Esho funi
This expression in Japanese, loosely translated, means oneness of self and environment. In simple terms, we are likely to attract people to work with who share similar values to us. Choosing to work in education and the public sector, for me, means that my coachees are coming from a starting point of wanting to improve society. So, the people/profit drama rarely raises its head.
Finding our own path
There is a risk when working with people where there is a values clash. At one extreme, we could get frustrated, refuse to work with them, or simply not coach very effectively. And at the other extreme, we could end up embracing whatever values they have, and perhaps colluding with them in the decisions that they are making. Neither end of the spectrum is particularly appealing. So, a few tips:
- Be proactive in the people we coach. If you could predict a values clash based simply on job role or industry, then turn the assignment down
- Know ourselves, our motivations, and how we react to people who have different ones. Can we embrace the alternative viewpoint, or even see it in the other person?
- Be prepared to find ways to challenge, with respect and without judgement. Not making the person wrong, but making them think
This last point is really an extension of the coach or mentor, ask or advise dilemma, since challenging a coachee’s values well is as much about how you ask as what you say.
Final words
Values clashes don’t seem to be as common as many new coaches could imagine. There is often a worry amongst new coaches that they won’t get on with their coachees. This rarely comes to fruition, and the vast majority of coaching assignments are completed in harmony. The ideas here are to help avoid difficult situations, and to have some tools if they do arise. I hope they serve you well.
Happy coaching
